Nickname

INT. ELEVATOR

GREG
I can't believe you sold my mediocre to bad script. You were uncharataristically great in there.

BEN
Well, they call me "Cool Hand Ben".

GREG
No one calls you that. Not even yourself.

BEN
(squints)

I hope when I die, I get a memorial this nice

http://www.angelfire.com/hiphop4/vanessa_1/rip_ben_simpson/

That "Ben Simpson" is one lucky dude.

In what way is this a town?

At best, what you've got here is a little novelty street. Boylston St. is not the name of a town. You can't just call it Chinatown and claim it's a town. Where's your church? Who's your mayor? All you've got here is restaraunts and little supermarkets. If I want to buy an ornamental dragon or some crackers, this is where I'll buy them, otherwise it's not a town. The streets are always filthy, which I guess is why the wear those little wooden shoes. And if I'm a restaraunt, why am I putting a Chinese restaraunt here? It's bad business. Why not put one where there's not already loads of them.

It's not a town.

For 15 seconds I thought I was deaf in my left ear

but then the music started playing in the other headphone and I realized I was alright. Bit scary though.

If two identical (boy) twins married two identical (girl) twins,

and they got married and had kids, would the kids look the same?

You're not going to look into it, are you?

INT. BARNES AND NOBLE

PADRIC
Hi, how are you.

BEN
Alright.

PADRIC
Did you find everything okay?

BEN
Yep, just the book.

PADRIC
(rining up the Superman book) Oh, Superman fan, huh?

BEN
Yeah.

PADRIC
Okay your total is $16.42. Yeah I liked the movie, Superman was pretty hot.

BEN
...

PADRIC
(to a woman off to his left) Uh, ma'am? Ma'am, you can't park your bike in the store. You have to take it outside, and not in front of the store, on a bike rack.

WOMAN WHOSE BIKE IT IS
Oh...really? I was just going to leave it here for a minute...

PADRIC
Yeah, you can't do that, you need to move it.

WOMAN WHOSE BIKE IT IS
Well here's the thing, I don't have a lock. Can I just give you my credit card while I take it outside and you find the book for me?

PADRIC
What? No. Here's the thing, I'm helping THIS gentleman right here.

BEN akwardly waves at WOMAN WHOSE BIKE IT IS, who exits.

BEN
What an idiot! What was that woman thinking? Do you get that a lot?

PADRIC
Yeah, sometimes. I guess they just go out not planning to stop and don't bring a lock.

BEN
Even still...I mean I'd keep a chain with me at all times, what if you have to go to the bathroom?

PADRIC
...I don't really kn---oh come on! (to woman) Ma'am, I need you to take it OUT of the store.

REVEAL WOMAN WHOSE BIKE IT IS at the other end of the checkout counter, leaning her bike against the wall.

WOMAN WHOSE BIKE IT IS
I thought I could leave it here...

She exits and Padric just shakes his head again.

BEN
So what's your policy on Segways?

PADRIC
Hmm, not sure. We let people use electric wheelchairs.

BEN
Well that I understand. People on Segways are just lazy assholes. But even still, I think you should let them in the store. They are "people movers" after all.

PADRIC
I don't really know.

BEN
I think you should look into that.

PADRIC
Yeah.

BEN
You're not going to look into it, are you?

PADRIC
No.

BEN
Well I think you should.

PADRIC
Okay, well have a great night. Can I get the next person in line, please?

Question

Alright, so you're at the doctor's for whatever, doesn't matter. So he's like "Alright, sorry mate, yer hands -- they're gonna have to come off." "Whoa whoa whoaaaa," you say, but it's too late, he's already hacking them off, "It's for the best, y'know, don't want that mess spreadin'." So you're a bit annoyed, but you're like "Alright, thanks...whatever," and begin to take your stumps and head out. But the doctor puts a finger up (not braggin) and says "Hold on, I may have something for you." "What you thinking?" "Well...this fella over 'ere, he's died and I've got his feet, so I'm thinking,...I can stitch these on for you, give you some feet for those stumps."

WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?! FEET OR STUMPS?????